saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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