Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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