I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
