Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
