I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
