Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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