he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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