its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I think my moral compass just broke
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