just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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