how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
