My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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