I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
