My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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