Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
