I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Randomize
