I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
