you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
