I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
my shit smells like andre
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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