I smell stomach acid.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
