I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
