I can text with my tongue
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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