Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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