I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
