tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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