Ambien. No doubt about it.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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