hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
