I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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