She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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