I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
