Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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