Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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