Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize