did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
