my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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