drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
