Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
