My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
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All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
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I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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