Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
