I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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