nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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