I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i can't believe i had my finger in that
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
