That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Who died my cat blue again?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
