If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Is it because I queefed?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Randomize
