I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
