so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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