Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
should my penis look like a turkey
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
