i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
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took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
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Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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