Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
