ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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