i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
