whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
