I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I need a beard to bite.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
