Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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