Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
