she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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