There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
