I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Randomize
