You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
