It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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