u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I met the friendliest cop last night
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
