WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Randomize
