I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You took a bar mat shot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize