making cat noises will not fix the situation.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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