....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
