i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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